Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
