i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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