Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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