i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize