Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
