Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
