I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
