Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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