I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
