i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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