I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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