feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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