I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
