What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize