i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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