I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
