I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
