now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
