areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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