she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
