she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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