if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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