We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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