I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
