Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also, beer. Big fan.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
