glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
