just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
