i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize