the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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