Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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