Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
