I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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