you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
