dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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