I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
