Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
