Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
i've created a new STD.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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