i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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