My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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