I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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