watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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