I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
