I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
