i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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