I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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