omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
