God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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