Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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