guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
