i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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