My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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