On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
