You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
