i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
