he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
