I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
