I faked an abortion last night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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