Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
