I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
