new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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