i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
